so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
