Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
