Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
