Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
