Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
