so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
