Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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