I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
