I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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