ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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