i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
