Your face is a jimmy john
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize