why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize