Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
