totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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