His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
