i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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