Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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