what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
