I can text with my tongue
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
