For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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