someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
