I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
