i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
