brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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