I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
