i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
