I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
