I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
