They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
