you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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