When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
