I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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