He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
