You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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