explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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