Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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