yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
