After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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