Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
