see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
