Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
