I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
