Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
