If that was your dad, he is hot
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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