I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
