You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
