When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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