wrigley field is MILF paradise
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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