ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
