so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
