I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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