I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
