Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
