if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
