our cab driver is having phone sex.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
it's like iHOP with fire
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
