you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
