apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
