nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
