I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I hate all girls vehemently.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
