I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
