Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
