I wish my penis had an off switch
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
