Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
